


Addicted to a Certain Kind of Sadness

by annabeth



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Angst, Cheating, Explicit Sex, JJ is a poor sad soul, M/M, Pliroy, Unhappy Ending, angst angst angst, my new aesthetic is torturing JJ, peripheral otayuri, pity fucks, so much cheating
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-28
Updated: 2017-08-28
Packaged: 2018-12-21 00:44:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,563
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11932800
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/annabeth/pseuds/annabeth
Summary: JJ can't make Yuri love him, if he doesn't. And he doesn't.





	Addicted to a Certain Kind of Sadness

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Ashii Black (ashiiblack)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ashiiblack/gifts).



> Written while listening to "I Can't Make You Love Me" by Bonnie Raitt on repeat.
> 
> Title from "Somebody I Used to Know" (Glee cover [go Matt Bomer singing!]). Original band Gotye (ft. Kimbra) (thank you [outruntheavalanche](http://archiveofourown.org/users/outruntheavalanche))

Yuri's kisses taste like heartbreak, and it really shouldn't surprise JJ one bit, but somehow, every time he lays down with Yuri, the kisses feel alike.

Still, the initial rush is always the same, Yuri pushing JJ down, punishing him with his hands and his mouth, love bites that often snake in strange patterns down his body. Izzy left JJ long ago, when she realized JJ didn't really love her because he was a gay man trying to hide in a straight relationship.

No, JJ is all alone in his heartspace. He gets the sex he craves, but he can never have the love that he wants, because Yuri will _never_ love him. No, Yuri saves all of his actual emotion for Otabek—a man that, over the years, JJ has grown to hate. When they trained together, Otabek had had a crush on JJ, and JJ had been so deeply closeted he couldn't even accept that he might like boys.

So, he crushed Otabek's heart, and now, even if he doesn't know it—and he doesn't—Otabek is crushing JJ's.

"Shut up," Yuri says, jabbing JJ with a sharp finger into his breastbone. "I can hear you thinking. You're such a loser idiot, JJ."

"I know, kitten," JJ says, and flops his arms outward, complete submission. When Yuri enters him, it stings and burns for a moment, and JJ welcomes the pain, welcomes the reminder that Yuri doesn't care, that he would never be so careless with Otabek.

"I like you better when you bite," Yuri remarks, just before closing his teeth around JJ's nipple and suiting his words to his own actions. When JJ's cock jumps with the pleasure of it, Yuri smiles against his chest. Yuri's dick inside him feels like being turned inside out, but it doesn't hurt anymore; no, now it's just that he can never truly have this.

"Yuri—" JJ starts, but Yuri looks up from where he was sucking a bruise into JJ's pec and raises an eyebrow. Everything is there in that look: from the fact that he knows perfectly well he's cheating on his lover, to the fact that he knows what JJ wants to say and he won't allow it.

"Tell me what you want?" Yuri asks, and JJ understands that Yuri is shutting down that avenue of conversation. He's asking for something completely different.

"Harder," JJ says, obediently, but even though his body feels pleasure, even though he's straining for the release of the build-up, he knows his voice is breathy, thready but still monotone. Yuri stabs him hard with a particularly deep thrust, and JJ feels his ears almost pop. It's less a physical sensation and more of a consciousness that his hearing has deafened slightly. JJ pushes back on Yuri, lifting his hips, trying to get Yuri to touch that spot that feels like an electric current has just gone through him.

"What do you want, JJ?" Yuri asks again, bearing him down into the mattress. His thrusts are almost vicious—because Yuri doesn't like JJ, at all. JJ doesn't even know why he bothers to fuck him. It makes no sense, since Yuri has _never_ liked him. Why do this, and why now, when he's so in love with Otabek?

"You know I just want you," JJ says, pleasure making his vision swim. At least, that's what he tells himself. "I want to feel your cock for days, kitten, c'mon."

"You got me," Yuri mutters, fingers scrabbling over JJ's chest to flick over his nipples, causing little ribbons of pleasure to bubble up through JJ's body.

JJ is desperate to hear Yuri say something, _anything_ , nice to him. He wants words of love and actions that mean more than just a dirty, secretive fuck that no one can know about. It's bad enough that he can't touch Yuri except in superficial ways, lest he leave incriminating marks.

He wants to ask Yuri to lie to him, to say he loves him, even though JJ knows it will never be true. But he's not going to torture himself with things he can never have. He can have Yuri's cock, and Yuri's lust, but not his emotions, and he's always known that was the way it was going to be.

Still, it hurts more than it should when Yuri comes—pulling out just beforehand and splattering JJ with white—and moans Otabek's name.

They both know Otabek is away at a gig, at work, and that he won't be home till well into the morning. So when Yuri drops down onto the bed beside JJ, his eyes closing beneath his fair, long eyelashes and his blond hair tousled and in his face, sweat in beads at his temples, JJ understands that Yuri might sleep here for a few hours.

He's snoring in minutes, and JJ's left to pull forlornly at his own cock until he comes with a cry choked with both tears and the need to be silent. He doesn't think Yuri even realizes that he didn't get off, and somehow, that's the worst part. Not the fact that Yuri doesn't love him.

No, it's the fact that he doesn't even care enough to make sure JJ _enjoys_ his pity fuck.

"I love you," JJ whispers into the darkness. "I have since the first moment you joined Seniors and pushed me to try harder, so much harder, to win. I got the gold those two times, but somehow all I really ended up wanting was you. And I never got that, not even now."

JJ closes his eyes. Yuri might have heard him, or he might not. But the fact remains that even if Yuri did, he would act like he hadn't. Still, with his eyes closed and Yuri pressed up against his side in his sleep, JJ can almost imagine Yuri loves him.

He can pretend to be Otabek, to have Yuri's everything.

Except… that's not true. Yuri's giving _something_ to JJ, even if it isn't love; even if it isn't really sex. What they share is so meaningless to Yuri that it probably doesn't even count, in his mind, as cheating.

But JJ knows that he's taking something from Otabek, and as he lies there in the quiet dark, Yuri's breathing making him feel only more alone, he knows these visits have to stop.

"I know I can't make you love me, but, kitten…" JJ nudges his shoulder until he can catch just a hint of green eyes illuminated by streetlights. "You have to go home," he finishes.

Yuri yawns, and JJ wants one last kiss; just the look of him is enough to make his dick stir all over again.

"What the fuck, JJ," Yuri grumbles, abrasive to the very end. "I don't have to be home until—" he glances at the clock, but JJ just leans forward and collects him into his arms like he's a real kitten to be captured and cuddled until he's clawed up and forced to let him go.

It's not entirely out of the realm of possibility that Yuri _might_ do something like that.

"I know you don't lo— I mean, like me. I know you never will. But this… it has to end, now. You belong with Otabek. You're getting married in two months. Why are you even here?"

Yuri shatters his heart into tiny shards when he says,

"Because Beka needs me to be. You broke his heart." The implication is clear: even if Beka doesn't know what Yuri's doing, Yuri has taken it upon himself to break JJ down into little mismatched pieces of himself by giving him what he can never have. And that Yuri is going to avenge Otabek's broken heart.

JJ gulps, but he forces the next words out anyway. His throat is tight, and he's definitely in pieces that will never fit back together the way they were before.

"Well, I have to do the right thing," JJ says, as if he hasn't just had his world ended. "You should go home."

"Fine," Yuri says, and slides out of the bed. His sleek flank is milky white and beautiful in the moonlight, and he moves unabashedly around the room in the nude as he gathers up his clothes.

"I'm not going to call you and ask you to come back," JJ says to his back. The graceful bow of his spine as he bends to pick up his underwear makes JJ's heart clutch and his breath catch. How can he _truly_ say goodbye to this, to _Yuri_ , forever?

But he has to. Yuri doesn't love him and he never will. He's not even capable of it; he has only ever loved Otabek, and as much as JJ hates Otabek now, he can't help but feel a smidgen of gratitude that Yuri mended the broken heart JJ left him with.

"I'll see you, asshole," Yuri says, after he's dressed and standing at the bedroom door.

_No, you won't_ , JJ thinks. When he doesn't speak, Yuri shrugs and walks out the door.

JJ knows he'll never see him again. He's already retired from skating, and now his last link to St. Petersburg is gone. He's gonna be gone, too, as soon as he possibly can.

JJ rolls his face into his pillow, but he's too carved out and hollow from the pain to even cry.

end.


End file.
